
This blog is a bit more ‘off the wall’ than usual, not backed up with evidence but reflections about a feeling, that persists in attracting my attention. I have now completed year 1 of my PhD and I really feel that I have achieved in this year. Milestone markers have been passed and everything is set up ready for recruitment and data collection come the autumn term.
Dare I say that I am struggling with ‘imposter syndrome’? It keeps coming to haunt me. At risk of appearing conceited or overconfident, my struggle is not because I feel like an imposter, but because I don’t (this time)! It almost feels expected for PGR students to feel like an imposter. A confession – this isn’t the first time that I have started to undertake a PhD. It is however, the furthest I have ever got so far! In the past I registered somewhere that wasn’t the right fit for me and the taught components that started that programme put me outside of my comfort zone, so that I did not progress. I felt like an imposter then. After registering for a second time was forced to stop studying after having cancer treatment that resulted in ‘chemo-brain’, an awful feeling that left me feeling powerless for a long time as I literally couldn’t have named what a ‘door’ or ‘window’ was, let alone engage in anything requiring higher level reading or analysis. I felt like an imposter then. I did also have a young family at that time so there wasn’t space to do the relearning of core academic skills as well as progress them. I admitted defeat after redrafting a position paper 4 or 5 times and still not having a clue what it was about!
Over time that all improved and I relearnt terms and redeveloped skills (such as deep reading and writing) that I had previously relied on. I successfully completed some study programmes and finally, with the confidence of these things under my belt, I returned to study for a PhD. My work experience over the last years has involved the provision of in-depth support for research with undergraduate students, that really helped me to develop my research skills to a strong degree, before recommencing my studies. There is, and will always be, a lot more to learn and I have strengthened the foundations of my knowledge and skills significantly through engagement with the researcher development programme and through supervision over the last year. It is this, which makes me ‘not’ feel like an imposter. Now is my time to use my skills.
Whilst the focused researcher development programme workshops have strengthened my skills, I can’t help feeling that a life interest/skill also contributes to my feeling of being more comfortable as a research student than I was previously. I can’t recall how I came to this awareness exactly, but I have come to reflect on it a number of times over the year. The skill is the ability to play a musical instrument, alone and in a group of other musicians. I believe my musical ability is in my blood, as my father was a Royal Marine Bandsman. I played instruments as a child, but stopped for many years, restarting with a vengeance about 3 years ago. I think that all the skills I use as a musician (or regret if I don’t use!) are analogous with aspects of undertaking (qualitative) research. I refer to qualitative research specifically due to its focus on hearing and seeing patterns in the data collected. This is highly relevant for the use of constructivist grounded theory methodology which I am using for my research study, exploring registered nurses’ experiences of using OER’s as CPD for revalidation with the NMC.
Fundamentally they are about being open and paying attention, skills that strike me as key in learning from the participants that I will be interviewing.

I do firmly believe these musical skills support my confidence in being able to engage in my research in a meaningful and rigorous way – time will tell however! Now, I need to concentrate on accurately completing the transposing of data from my scoping review into the draft chapter.
Are there any other interests that develop or utilise skills that are relevant to research? I’d love to hear if you have examples.
Tanya
